PAT NEAL: Sasquatch Days are here

IT’S TIME ONCE again for the third annual Sasquatch Days in Forks this Memorial Day weekend from May 24 to 26.

The Sasquatch has haunted this land since the beginning. Also known as Bigfoot, it’s a cryptid, defined as a creature that may or may not exist.

The Sasquatch was recognized in 1970, when Gov. Dan Evans proclaimed “the Great Sasquatch” as the state monster.

In 2022, at the urging of Miss Andrews’ fifth grade class at Lincoln Elementary School in Hoquiam, the Board of Grays Harbor County Commissioners declared the county an official Sasquatch Refuge.

Clallam County did the same thing in 2023. All on the theory that if the Sasquatch exists, it must be endangered. If it’s endangered, it must be protected.

Before the Sasquatch can be protected, it must be proven to exist by the highest minds of science, to determine if they are an endangered species or indigenous human, whatever.

Given our treatment of endangered species and indigenous people worldwide, the Sasquatch had better thank their lucky stars they remain undiscovered.

Many creatures from the 100-pound salmon to the Forks logger have become extinct or endangered shortly after they were discovered.

These days, there are legions of Sasquatch researchers stalking the woods looking for tracks, hair balls and dung samples in an effort to identify the DNA that would determine the true identity of the Sasquatch as either an ape or a human or a combination of the two.

The good news is that after all these years of dedicated research by these dedicated researchers, the Sasquatch has not been discovered or harmed in any way.

So far, the DNA evidence is circumstantial and inconclusive since there is no actual specimen to reference.

We’ll have shoot them to save them. It’s the scientific method, the protocol of proof that has not been successful so far.

Why are Sasquatch hunters such failures?

Humans are less intelligent than Sasquatch. To the Sasquatch, we are drunken, gas- spewing, gun-toting, hairless apes that get lost in the dark.

Guys with guns that see a Sasquatch are generally afraid to shoot them because if the Sasquatch finds out about it, they’ll get mad.

Still this ongoing research is vital.

If the Sasquatch is an animal, the Endangered Species Act would secure legislation, habitat protections and bottomless budgets to study, monitor and manage nationwide.

If the Sasquatch is human, they’ll have an opportunity to celebrate the diversity in our modern society.

We should enhance the Sasquatch feelings of self-worth by allowing them to pay their fair share.

There should not be a two-tiered system of justice for the Sasquatch and everyone else.

Most humans are required to buy some form of permit to be on public land and Indian Reservations.

For example, any Sasquatch living in Olympic National Park should require a backcountry use permit costing $8 dollars per night with a $6 dollar reservation fee.

In addition, Sasquatch should be required to have a bear canister, an itinerary of their trip and camp only in sites on their camping permit itinerary.

There is also a quota system of reservations to avoid crowding too many Sasquatch into one camp site.

Researchers have documented the Sasquatch fishing, clamming and hunting.

All of these activities currently require licenses, tags, punch-cards, passes, endorsements and permits for the rest of us.

That’s if we can read the hundreds of pages of Washington State hunting, fishing and sea weed gathering laws.

People have a hard time figuring them out, how is a Sasquatch supposed to?

All of which should convince the Sasquatch that the longer they remain undiscovered, the better.

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Pat Neal is a Hoh River fishing and rafting guide and “wilderness gossip columnist” whose column appears here every Wednesday.

He can be reached at 360-683-9867 or by email via patnealproductions@gmail.com.